I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Operation Purity has been aborted
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
