Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
