I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
