I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize