Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
