we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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