I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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