I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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