I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
