Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
