there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
