So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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