You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
