im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
