I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize