Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
