I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
