I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just found puke in my bra..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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