So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
