Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
