if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
