Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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