I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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