I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
