kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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