I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's not a walk of shame if you run
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
