You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
