sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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