The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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