"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
