Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
