Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
