omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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