and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is this like a preordered booty call?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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