I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
