why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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