i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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