She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
