his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Shame - the story of my life.
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