I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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