if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
