It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
