Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
