I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
