There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
