We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
