he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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