I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
