Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
