i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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