I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
