Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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