I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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