Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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