I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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