I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
