If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
