so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
