conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
