so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
