you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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