so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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