i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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