She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
